welcoming ascher, continued

*i didn't go back and proofread this post, so i apologize for any spelling and/or grammar errors. blame ash...it's all his fault.

i really need to get back into blogging on a regular basis. it's been more difficult to find the time than i thought it would be. ascher is time-consuming to say the least. not that i would have it any other way. i love taking care of him and wouldn't trade him for anything!

i still haven't finished chronicling my birth story. when we left off, jeff and i were headed to the hospital. this post has been a long time coming…

on our way to the hospital, my modesty went even further out the window when i had to have jeff pull over so i could puke. it was a slightly humbling experience, especially since there was some random man watching me from his house! i'm sure i looked like a careless, drunk teenage...puking from the driver-side door at 3:00 a.m.! we checked into the hospital and my nurse knew this was legitimate labor! apparently, i had that look about me...something that women in "fake" labor don't have!

at the hospital, i immediately requested an epidural. i was not one of those delusional women, thinking i could have a baby without the assistance of drugs! as my boss says, "we're not cave women!" i knew that an epidural was a necessity. thank goodness the hospital has a policy...the on-call anesthesiologist has to be within 30 minutes of the hospital. for all the relief i knew it was going to bring, i was scared of the actual process of administering the epidural. combine my fear of needles with the horror stories i had heard...yikes! turns out, people are damn liars. please, liars, stop doing that to pregnant women! even though i had uncontrollable shakes (are those a bi-product of the pain? how weird!), the process was quick and painless. within minutes, i was settled in and comfortable. jeff says i got way more chatty at that point. all i know is that i was prepared to make the anesthesiologist my bff! for those of you who haven't experienced the joys of childbirth (sarcasm) or the joys of an epidural (no sarcasm), it doesn't eliminate the pain. it dulls it and makes it more manageable. still completely worth it, no matter how you look at it.

since my pain was under control, the nurse suggested i take a nap. not sure if you've been in labor, but napping isn't high on the to-do list. you're in pain, you're adrenaline is pumping and you're in a strange place...not an ideal conditions for sleep. around 6:30 a.m., i started to feel the urge to push. at that point, i was fully dilated and ascher was ready to make his debut.

after several hours of pushing (around 9:30 a.m.), my doctor suggested that we use the vacuum to give ascher some incentive to make his exit. though i didn't have a set birth plan, there were certain things jeff and i had discussed prior to going into labor. i knew that i wanted to avoid forceps or the vacuum unless it was medically necessary. when the doctor suggested it, ascher's heartbeat was still steady and strong (as it was through my entire labor). there wasn't a medical issue, other than the fact that i was exhausted and had been pushing for several hours. we debated the issue, but my nurse encouraged me and told me that she really thought i could do it without the assistance of the vacuum. this encouraged me and gave me the push (pun intended) that i needed.

finally (finally, finally!) at 9:55 a.m. ascher arrived! it was such an emotional experience...jeff and i were both crying (side note...jeff swore he wasn't going to cry!). childbirth was unlike anything i have experienced. i have tried, since giving birth, to describe the rush of emotions and pain, but words can't do it justice. my support team was out of this world! my nurses were amazing! and having jeff there, supporting me the entire time, was the ultimate! they were the perfect amount of support and encouragement.

so this was the little man that had been beating me up for months and months. ash was slightly disoriented and a strange, gray color. thankfully, with a little rubbing and warming up, his color improved quickly. after getting us both cleaned up i was finally able to cuddle. while i can't vouch for the cliche of forgetting all the pain at first sight of your child, i can say that it was worth it! what a crazy moment...that instant transition from woman to mother. i felt an immediate sense of wanting to protect him and shelter him. such emotions!

those first days were tough. i was sore...crazy sore! your body is beat up after all of that! ascher cried and ate and cuddled. jeff jumped into daddy mode immediately. he covered all diaper changes and wardrobe changes. he allowed me to lay in bed and focus on feeding and healing. we both tried to rest while we were in the hospital...at the time of delivery, we had both been up for almost 40 hours! sheer exhaustion! jeff's parents were there and helped take care of ash so we could catch some shut-eye. so very helpful. i swear to you, keep the onesies with witty phrases...the best gift to new parents is sleep!

coming home with a new baby is terrifying! i kept wondering why the hospital though we were qualified to handle such a huge responsibility. i felt like i had no idea what i was doing! and the tears kept coming! i would look at him and cry. i would think about being left alone with him and i would cry. this little man terrified me, yet i wanted to protect him. such a mix of emotions.

i covered some details of ascher's first days at home in my one month letter. ascher met a lot of family in those first weeks. we're slowly working toward developing a routine. we're still transitioning, but i think that's normal for as young as he is. he changes on a daily basis and i could stare at him from sun up to sun down. i am constantly amazed and want to be around him constantly. jeff says anytime someone else is holding him, he can see me itching to get my hands on him. hello, have you seen this child? how could you not love on him and want to hold him? it's a natural reaction!

i swear i am going to get better at blogging. i have to carve out a little time each day to post. well, each day may be an exaggeration...maybe each week. and hopefully jeff gets back on the blogging bandwagon. hopefully.